March 19, 2023



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EDITOR’S NOTE: Sometimes an unsolicited submission arrives at our door that is just too good not to publish, especially when it comes in the form of this satirical poem about Fox News by Cheryl Fields. Enjoy!


Satire by Cheryl Fields

FOX NEWS, I beg you, please lie to me.

Remove my brain and my dignity.

I want to believe what I want to believe,

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So do what you do, and please deceive.

I have my wife hold my cold, cold beer,

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And then I put the FOX vacuum into my ear,

Then I let them turn it on and let it suck!

Take all gray matter, so I can’t give a… yuck.

It helps me believe their hosts, snide and snarky,

As “FOXhounds” fill me with fascist malarkey,

My wife gives me smile, returning my beer.

I drink more, preparing for what I want to hear.

I love to listen to Tucker Carlson’s fast talk;

Pass over the racist innuendo and bigoted squawk.

Handy Hannity is on right after Tucker hollers,

“Don’t take heed of the black liberal scholars!”

So I let Sean Hannity give it a whirl,

Tells me, “Dems can’t tell the dif’rence ’tween a boy and girl.”

Naturally, I let Sean convince me that CRT

Is only teaching our children to hate God and whitey.

I’m so grateful to FOX for removing my brain,

It helps me ignore other people’s pain.

Laura tells me to see poor immigrants as invaders.

Those terrible murderers and drug traders!

She saves me from seeing their extreme poverty,

And their miserable life under tyranny.

While I swallow my beer and FOX’s fascist seeds,

She reminds me I’m Christian though I don’t do the deeds.

Take my mind and soul, FOX, chop it up in a blender.

It helps me hate the gay and the transgender.

“That’s right!” I yell. “Cut programs for the poor and starving,”

My wife hands me another beer; I’m ready for more truth carving.

“Don’t let Daytime say a bad word about Donald Trump.”

I take a good gulp and wish I had a whiskey bump.

“There are other stations I can go to for my hate—

Newsmax and OANN will make Trump great.

Trump is my hero, and I love who he is.”

My bladder’s full now; I get up to take a whiz.

And when I’m done playing with my… toothpick,

I come back, and Ingraham is laying it on thick.

“The election was stolen from Trump, you know.”

My hackles rise as delirium begins to grow.

“Minority communities can’t count, and they cheat.”

Heart palpitations are thumping now at every beat.

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I love it when FOX provides me with alternate fact,

Plus, buzzwords to ward off the left-wing attack.

We “FOXists” repeat what our talk-show hosts proclaim,

Like the mainstream media is crazy, and so, so lame.

I know the liberals look at us quite funny

And think FOX is just about the love of money.

That thought makes me mad again, and I begin to fume,

While staring at the contents of my information vacuum.

Expanding my horizons, next day I watch OANN,

Just letting another channel lie to me again

They enlighten me with the very same views

As those fact spinners found on FOX News.

I get more of the same after I click my remote

With Newsmax telling me of the next scapegoat.

Just for kicks, I turn on MSNBC,

Where lefties are on a truth-telling spree.

I shake my head and go to that Commie CNN,

And I hold my breath while I count to ten.

I watch guest experts and anchors who use big words;

For my taste, that’s way too many socialist nerds.

And sadly, they’re telling me that of which I fear—

About those things that I really don’t want to hear.

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So I go back to the conservative news;

Who’ll reinforce my bigoted, ugly views.

Later I go to bed; my wife knows I’m no Cupid,

But I love her so much ’cuz she accepts me stupid.


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