HOUSE OF HORRORS: Meet Kevin McCarthy’s scary committee heads

HOUSE OF HORRORS: Meet Kevin McCarthy's scary committee heads

As House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) seeks to set priorities that will elevate corporations, immigration fears, and anti-abortion legislation as congressional priorities — while moving away from clean energy policies, responsible gun laws, and tax breaks for middle-class families, he will have a great deal of assistance from his new committee heads.

Many of them have already made promises about the investigations they will spend inordinate amounts of time on, including into Hunter Biden’s laptop, which we can figure by this point must implicate Joe Biden in the Kennedy assassination, tell us where Amelia Earhart is, explain what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, uncover the Sesame Street conspiracy that hid Bert and Ernie’s homosexual relationship, and reveal how Hunter was in league with Sam Bankman-Fried and has billions stashed away in the Caymans.

Or maybe it will just show that the president has a wayward son.

Republicans are obviously very interested in charges of nepotism and inappropriate uses of White House resources, which is why they spent so much time looking into Ivanka.

Oh, wait…

Regardless, here are some of the cast of characters who will be heading up important positions.

Rules Committee: Tom Cole (R-OK)

The Rules Committee is one of the most important in Congress since it sets the terms for a bill’s debate and determines how the bill needs to be passed and if it can be amended. The committee can even amend bills itself or basically rewrite them.

Mr. Cole sure has a way with words. He supported Donald Trump’s Muslim Ban and issued a press release about it in January of 2017 entitled, “Cole Statement on Executive Order Protecting America from Foreign Terrorist Entry.”

Right. Because all those people were obviously terrorists.

Unsurprisingly, Cole was one of 147 Republicans to vote against certification of the 2020 Election and voted against impeaching Donald Trump after the attack.

I guess because he feels people who actually instituted terror are somehow no longer dangerous.

However, there is some good news: he’s also spoken out against the notion of impeaching Biden, which he sees as unserious and lacking in focus. So at least there’s that.

Judiciary Committee: Jim (“Gym”) Jordan (R-OH)

Jordan, who is leader of the House Freedom Caucus that impeded McCarthy’s speaker efforts awhile (though Gym himself was a McCarthy supporter), has pledged to look into both Hunter Biden and events at the Southern border.

The Ohio congressman certainly knows scandal: he was an assistant coach at Ohio State University when the wrestling team doctor, Richard Strauss, was sexually assaulting students.

Some of these students have accused Jordan of ignoring the allegations, even after he was told what was going on. So put him in the Denny Hastert section of the House.

Science, Space, and Technology: Frank Lucas (R-OK)

Lucas supports the “all of the above approach” for energy, and has talked up the accomplishments of new technologies, including wind, solar, and natural gas.

He even seemed to give some credit to the Obama administration in an address in April, noting how much the US has reduced emissions in the past fifteen years.

He feels the best way to go about reducing climate change is to invest in new technologies – not a completely crazy notion, so let’s give him some credit.

Wait. He too voted not to certify Biden’s victory. Oh, brother…

Oversight and Reform: James Comer (R-KY)

Let’s play a little fill in the blank game for this one. For each of the quotes below from James Comer you can insert either Biden or Trump.

“This sets a concerning precedent for ‘impeachable offenses’ moving forward, and I wholeheartedly oppose these baseless articles of impeachment against President __________.”

“[It] raises troubling questions about whether President __________ is a national security risk and about whether he is compromised by foreign governments.”

“Today, I voted against yet another attempt to impeach President __________. [I]t’s time for America to unify as a nation and tackle our biggest challenges…impeaching the President will only raise tensions higher and divide Americans further.”

This is going to shock you, I bet, but the answers are:

Trump, Biden, Trump

Yes, out of the last two presidents, James Comer sees JOE BIDEN as the bigger security threat.

Absorb that for a moment.

The committee, meanwhile, has vast powers to probe. So Comer is planning a political enema for the Biden family and has invited us all to watch.

Energy and Commerce: Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA)

Rodgers has come around to accepting climate change, but as the Washington Post initially reported, she fears that Democrats want to move too fast to combat it.

Perhaps that’s why she voted against two bills that did so: the CHIPS and Science Act and the Inflation Reduction Act, both of which had carbon-reducing measures.

Now she says, however, that she’s looking to work across the aisle to get things done. We’ll see.

Appropriations: Kay Granger (R-TX)

This committee largely controls the House purse strings, so it is enormously influential. Granger issued the following statement after the passage of the Trump tax cuts that so unabashedly favored the wealthy:

“Today, the House passed the most sweeping, pro-growth tax reform since President Reagan. These tax cuts will ensure Texans keep more of their hard earned money.”

Perhaps she meant if you’re worth at least 10-mil.

Anyhow, now that she helped give away so many billions to the wealthy and corporations, she feels it’s time to tighten our belts.

Foreign Affairs: Michael McCaul (R-TX)

While stating that he intends to keep supporting efforts in Ukraine, McCaul also declared that he doesn’t want to give the Ukrainians a “blank check.”

He’s also promised to look into what went wrong with the Afghan withdrawal.

You wanted hearings, dear readers? Oh, you’ll have hearings all right!

Expect the House to look something like this:

Buckle up, my friends. It should be a fun (and terrible) ride.

For more news and laughs, click on @RossRosenfeld to follow Ross on Twitter. He promises to keep making Republicans mad.

Ross Rosenfeld

is a news analysis and opinion writer whose work has also appeared in the New York Daily News and Newsweek. He lives in New York.