March 23, 2023

ON BRAND: Trump’s Miami hotel is a messy mashup of creepy mannequins, bugs & wires

ON BRAND: Trump's Miami hotel is a messy mashup of creepy mannequins, bugs & wires

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As the bomb cyclone unleashes ass-freezing temperatures on our precious experiment in democracy, the likes of which America hasn’t experienced since 2019 (but let’s not even discuss global warming, right, Republicans?), down in DeSantistan, specifically Little Moscow, aka Miami’s Sunny Isles, it looks like a bomb of filth and tackiness touched down on Trump International Beach Resort, a haven for visiting Russians and, ‘muricans in ill fitting, cheaply made MAGA-wear using their hard-earned cash (thanks Biden!) to make a pilgrimage to this MAGAt Mecca.

Back in 2005, when Donald Trump was just a TV gameshow host, yours truly was a celebrity and travel writer who wrote, among other things, guidebooks about Florida for esteemed travel publisher Frommer’s.

Here’s how I described Trump International, a hotel collaboration between the now criminal Trump Org. and Miami developer Gil Dezer:

Donald, Donald, Donald, what were you thinking when you opened this uninspiring, 32-story, 390-room beach resort? Yes, the Trump InternationalOB sits on a prime piece of beachfront property, but I’ve seen rooms in Holiday Inns that have more personality than these. Completely bland with no style whatsoever, Trump International is a folly of massive proportions despite a recent renovation. . .

I could go on, and I did, basically calling the hotel a travesty.

I was back at that hotel in 2013 when Celebrity Apprentice contestant, Miami realtor Katrina Campins got married to her first husband there.

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The hotel was pretty much as lackluster, but a ’twas a fun wedding nonetheless.

Ah, such simpler times, before Campins and many of her guests like Omarosa drank the orange Kool Aid and joined the MAGA cult.

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But by now, nearly ten years, two-impeachments, and god knows how many criminal investigations later, you’d think the place would have either shuttered or been cleaned up.

Not so much.

Looks like Trump International is as clean as Trump Junior’s last urine test.

According to our source, who was there just the other day, the place is a mess.

It’s packed, but it’s a mess.

Let’s look at the gift shop first.

In the words of one of my literary idols, Dorothy Parker, whose Round Table was located in NYC’s venerable Algonquin Hotel, whose cats would go feral over the pictures you are about to see:


There is so much to unpack here, but isn’t this what Republicans call grooming?

To their credit, at least the creepy mannequins’ faces aren’t any of the grifting Trump Crime Family.

And no MAGA gear either, shockingly.

Lots of pet stuff, which is weird, because the only pets the Trump Crime Family own are Lindsey Graham, Jim Jordan and the rest of the Sedition Caucus Circus animals.

But ’tis the season to buy schlock from a grifter.

Just like the GOP itself, the place is in complete disarray, with wires everywhere.

Did someone say, shhh, wires?

Calling Vladimir Putin, calling Vlad!


The White Lotus Four Seasons in Sicily hotel this ain’t.

But ugly wires aren’t that big of a deal.

You know what is a big deal?


(Vlad: did someone say BUGS?)

No, sillies.

These are actual bugs, perhaps bedbugs on a vacation from Mar a Lago?

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Dead bugs in the fire alarm.

Perhaps they were trying to alert the authorities about something nefarious?


MAGAts, keep your $500 a night and invest it in those Trump trading cards instead, k?

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