(Imagine Ted Cruz reading this into his Notes App in that extra oozy smarmy voice of his while he packs his little wheelie bag and then never bothers to edit it before posting it on his website)
FROM THE DESK OF SENATOR TED CRUZ
To My Fellow Texans,
It is an honor and a privilege to serve the great state of Texas. I hope you and your family are having a most blessed Christmas season.
And I–what’s that, Heidi? Oh for God’s sake, FINE–and I hope our Jewish friends are enjoying their Chanukah celebrations as well.
OKAY HEIDI? NOW WHERE IS THE PREPARATION H? OH NEVERMIND I FOUND IT UNDER THE UNUSED CONDOMS.
Where was I? Oh yes. Ahem.
My friends, I know we’re facing another record cold spell, which means we’re all going to have to do our part to stay warm while not using any electrical heat sources.
Y’see, in our effort to pre-secede from the woke liberal electrical grid that the rest of the country misuses to hold antifa meetings and keep abortion clinics lit up with American dollars, we made our own electric grid out of some chicken wire and old chewed Doublemint gum. Here in Texas, we won’t allow any precious life to be risked just to keep some lights on!
We–what’s that, Heidi? Yes, I know a LITTLE BOY FROZE TO DEATH IN HIS OWN BED when we had that terrible storm in February 2021, but this is A POSITIVE CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FOR HELL’S SAKE!
Haven’t we been through enough this winter, Heidi? JESUS.
Friends, don’t think for one moment I’m not thinking about your utmost well-being as 80% of the country is facing the coldest Christmas we’ve had in forty years.
It’s vitally important that I don’t freeze to death so I can keep working hard for the fine people of Texas.
Therefore, I’ll be taking inspiration for keeping Texans warm as I bask under the Mexican sun.
Too bad I can’t harness the sun’s energy to keep y’all as warm as I’ll be!
Again, from our family to yours–what’s that, Heidi? No, I didn’t say from our daughters, I said FROM OUR FAMILY.
Yes, I know everyone feels bad for our girls having me as a dad, why do you think I have a screaming closet?
Can I please finish, we’ll miss our flight!
FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Best,
Senator Ted Cruz
OKAY HEIDI LET’S GET THIS WHEELIE BAG ON THE ROAD BEFORE THE FREEZE SETS IN!
