(With all of the apologies to the legendary Bob Geldof, here’s a no-star, all-MAGA version of the instant-Christmas classic from 1984. Imagine all of your least favorite Congressional Republicans gathered in the tackiest gold recording studio in Florida.)
DONALD TRUMP: It’s Christmas time, and there’s a need to be bigly afraid
MELANIA TRUMP: At Kreezmaz time, we banish luff and let in hate
IVANKA TRUMP: And in our Trumpworld of plenty, we can fake a smile of joy
DONALD TRUMP, JR.: Do another rail of coke at Christmas time!
ERIC TRUMP: But thoughts and prayers! Pray for a brand new gun!
LAUREN BOEBERT (sung to TED CRUZ): At Christmas time, you’re hard cause we’re having fun!
KEVIN MCCARTHY: There’s a mob outside my window and I’m full of dread and fear
MERRICK GARLAND (popping his head in): Soon the only water flowing will be a stream of MAGA tears!
NANCY PELOSI: And the Christmas bells that ring there are the chimes of MAGA’s doom
CHUCK SCHUMER: Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!
ALL: And there won’t be snow at Bedminster this Christmas time
DONALD TRUMP: The greatest grift you’ll get this year is MINE
ALL: To Mar-a-Lago we’ll all go
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: I’ll be the biggest ho-ho-HO
ALL: Do they know we stole Christmas from them all?
DONALD TRUMP: Here’s to me!
ALL: Raise a glass for our President!
DONALD TRUMP: Here’s to me again!
DONALD TRUMP JR: I wish you loved your sons
ALL: Do they know we stole Christmas from them all?
DONALD TRUMP: Grift the woooooorld!
JIM JORDAN: Let them know we’re grifting them again!
DONALD TRUMP: Grift the wooooorld!
ALL: Let them know we’re grifting them again!
(repeat to fade)a
And now, here’s the real version to cleanse your brain’s palate. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Tara Dublin is a woefully underappreciated and unrepresented writer currently shopping a super cool novel that has nothing to do with politics while also fighting fascism on the daily.
Follow her on Twitter @taradublinrocks.
Editor’s note: This is an opinion column that solely reflects the opinions of the author.
