January 29, 2023

FLEX TRAFFICKING: Matt Gaetz is mucking things up for Kevin McCarthy

UNHOLY TERROR: Freedom Caucus flunky finds Taliban comparison inspiring

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House Republicans are about to take back control (shudder) and with that will come a lot of changes, all of which will be terrible.

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Aside from all of the Committees being staffed by the remedial Metal Shop bullies staging a play called “We Hate Hunter Biden Just Because His Daddy Loves Him,” they’re also going to waste our money and time with other performative crap while getting nothing done.

They also can’t seem to unify behind any one person for Speaker, and while “Kremlin” Kevin McCarthy is the front-runner and most likely inevitable winner, it’s not going to happen fast, according to Rep. Matt “If There’s Grass On The Field, Let’s Play” Gaetz.

“SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS EIGHTEEN I SWEAR!”

The Florida-est Florida Man to Florida while a sitting member of Congress, Gaetz is *still* under investigation by the FBI for (allegedly *rolls eyes) raping the teenage girls he sex trafficked, Gaetz is going to use his fivehead as a bulwark preventing McCarthy from becoming Speaker.

According to Raw Story, Gaetz told Lou “Seriously, What the Hell Happened to Me?” Dobbs that he and four other House Republicans are united in keeping KKKevin from the role he so cravenly craves.

“The true question is whether or not Republicans will get into the posture of realizing that this is a process of elimination exercise or if we’re going to begin our term in the majority unable to elect a Speaker,” Gaetz said.

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“And I’ve got to tell you, Lou, that could be a very real possibility.”

And I’ve got to tell YOU, Captain Venmo, that you should be going to prison for eleven years just like your co-pimp, Joel Greenberg.

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Twitter certainly enjoys watching these terrible people eat each other, and I have that coming up.

But first, this tweet, which has nothing to do with Kevin McCarthy, it just makes me happy.

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Ok, back to the topic at hand, which is these people are all the worst and I hope they never elect a Speaker because they can’t get their shit together.

Tara Dublin

Tara Dublin is a woefully unrepresented writer who thinks more people would read her cool rock & roll love story inspired by Dave Grohl than any ghostwritten GOP crapbook, agents & publishers. Follow Tara on Twitter @taradublinrocks

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