March 29, 2023

A Republican governor just announced surprise resignation over sex scandal

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All eyes might be on Roseanne Barr’s brilliant, long-awaited downfall on Tuesday, but a Republican in Missouri has successfully reminded the country that the GOP as a whole are generally terrible people and Roseanne is certainly not a one-off.

Eric Greitens, the Republican governor of Missouri, has finally announced that he’ll resign from office instead of waiting for impeachment proceedings to remove the sexual philanderer from office.

Greitens is up against two huge investigations in his home state.

One investigation is looking into whether he used a charity’s email list to solicit campaign donations and failed to report his access to the list as a campaign contribution.

It’s the second allegation, though, that is of particular interest to investigators. Supposedly, Greitens photographed a woman during a sexual encounter. The images were taken without her consent, and specifically used to blackmail the young woman.

The woman in question was invited to Greitens’ home in his wife’s absence, because nothing says “family values” like a tryst with a mistress while your wife is out of town.

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Greitens then lured the woman into his basement, offered a shirt and pair of pajama bottoms under the pretense of demonstrating an exercise, only to blindfold her and bind her hands with duct tape to a pair of gymnastic pull-up rings.

He then ripped off the shirt and pants he’d forced her into and photographed her naked body on his cellphone before offering this sadistic warning:

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“You’re not going to mention my name. Don’t even mention my name to anybody at all, because if you do, I’m going to take these pictures, and I’m going to put them everywhere I can. They are going to be everywhere, and then everyone will know what a little whore you are.”

The woman, identified only as Greiten’s hairdresser, was forced to perform oral sex on the disgusting pig before she was allowed to leave.

Greitens continues to deny he did anything illegal, even in his official resignation speech, embedded below:

Both Greitens and Roseanne Barr taken down on the same day. This must be what it will feel like when Robert Mueller finally brings down the hammer on Donald Trump, who has nearly ten times the “credible accusations” against him and yet, there he sits, his cottage-cheese behind fusing to his desk chair in the Oval Office the seat of his golf cart.

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Salvatore Nicholas

Salvatore is a producer, political writer, comedian and LGBTQ activist (in no particular order). He resides in Los Angeles with his two cats and encyclopedic knowledge of Britney's discography.

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