Stormy Daniels had better hope that she wins her lawsuit freeing her from the penalties imposed by the non-disclosure agreement between her and President Trump over their illicit tryst.
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If she indeed is bound to pay the $1 million dollar penalty for each breach of confidentiality, she will be declaring bankruptcy faster than the few seconds of Trump’s pleasure lasted.
Apparently, given the performance to date of her attorney, Michael Avenatti, Ms. Daniels is not much worried about that likelihood. Otherwise, she certainly wouldn’t be saying the things that she reveals in her cover story in the latest issue of Penthouse, as previewed today on The Daily Beast.
Due for publication tomorrow, the magazine awards Daniels with the coveted title of “Penthouse Pet of the Century,” spoiling the competitive field for women for the remaining 82 years left in the 21st century.
The accompanying interview with the adult film triple threat (producer/director/actress) includes some previously unpublished and highly salacious details of her affair with Trump and her life since her widened notoriety has exploded in the aftermath of the lawsuit’s accompanying publicity.
Before we get to the really good stuff, let’s recount one of the most hilarious requests that Daniels has encountered on her recent “Make America Horny Again” strip-club tour of America.
“At a strip club in Fort Lauderdale, Daniels recalls coming face-to-face with a huge crowd of gay men clutching bags of Cheetos, and offering to pay her $20 to stomp Cheetos into the ground. ‘Money was exchanged, Cheetos were scattered, and the hardworking porn star turned international news story ground them to orange powder beneath her high-heeled stripper shoes,'” the Penthouse article describes.
$20 sounds like a bargain to see a symbolic Trump/Cheeto crunching by such a renowned celebrity!
The details of how Trump’s legendarily sculpted hair behaves during sex is another question that has repulsively fascinated the imaginations of the American public, and Daniels gives us the answer we’ve been wondering about.
“No, [his hair is] real. He chose that.” Asked, “And it just fluffs around as he’s on top of you?” she replies, “Yeah, that’s real. Kind of like a drunken cockatoo.”
[Insert your own drunken cockatoo pun here]
The real question we’ve all been waiting to hear about, however, is whether that old New York Post headline (most likely proffered by Trump himself) about the outstanding quality of the sex during his adulterous affair with the woman who became his second wife, Marla Maples, was true or not.
Here’s how The Daily Beast describes the Penthouse account:
“When asked by the interviewer if it was “good sex,” Daniels replies, “What do you think?” Then, when she’s asked, “And the penis wasn’t big?” Daniels offers, “Yeah.” Further asked to compare his penis size to “his fingers,” Daniels says, “I don’t want to shame anybody,” and leaves it at that.”
After that climactic response, you’re probably feeling a little dirty and shameful for your prurient interest towards a subject and a mental image that would normally make you retch uncontrollably, but don’t worry. That’s a normal reaction. You’ll feel better tomorrow as the memory fades from your consciousness.
As for Ms. Daniels, with her case on temporary hold due to Trump Attorney Michael Cohen’s criminal legal woes, her “Make America Horny Again” tour continues. You can check her website for dates and make sure to bring plenty of twenties and a bunch of crunchy Cheetos to smash.
Follow Vinnie Longobardo on Twitter.