Today was the day in which parody finally, officially, took its last breaths as a functional facet of comedy. In a twist which shocked everyone while it simultaneously surprised no one, the world discovered that Sean Hannity was the undisclosed third client of Trump’s FBI-raided attorney, Michael Cohen.
Jake Tapper reported the news on The Lead, his daily CNN news program, and summed up the announcement with on concise command: “Go home, 2018; you’re drunk.”
“The judge forced Michael Cohen to admit in court that he has a third client and the third client is Sean Hannity,” Tapper began before calling out the sloppy storytelling 2018 has provided so far.
.@jaketapper: The judge forced Michael Cohen to admit in court he has a third client. And the third client is Sean Hannity.
— The Lead CNN (@TheLeadCNN) April 16, 2018
The news unfolded this morning as Todd Harrison, Cohen’s lawyer, argued that the Trump team should be able to review all documents seized by the FBI in last Monday’s raid of Cohen’s affairs before the FBI is able to go through the dockets themselves.
Harrison’s primary argument for the preview was the concern for the identity of a third “publicly prominent individual” whom Cohen represents in addition to Trump. Harrison initially refused to share the name, but probing from presiding Judge Wood ultimately lead to the dramatic reveal.
Hannity was moments away from beginning his radio show when the news dropped. According to one journalist who was tuned in to the program, the program began initially with dead air as Hannity collected himself:
The Sean Hannity radio show just started. There's SILENCE.
— Zack Ford (@ZackFord) April 16, 2018
Hannity made up for his momentary silence in the only way Hannity knows how – with an easily disprovable, largely incomprehensible rant:
Michael Cohen has never represented me in any matter. I never retained him, received an invoice, or paid legal fees. I have occasionally had brief discussions with him about legal questions about which I wanted his input and perspective.
— Sean Hannity (@seanhannity) April 16, 2018
“Michael Cohen has never represented me in any matter. I never retained him, received an invoice, or paid legal fees. I have occasionally had brief discussions with him about legal questions about which I wanted his intended input and perspective,” he insisted to his legion of braindead followers.
Hannity’s panicked reaction presumably relates to last week’s FBI raid of Cohen’s assets at his private home, a hotel room in Manhattan, and his office in Trump Tower. It is suspected the documents seized by the FBI hold incriminating evidence against Hannity, though the specifics of such evidence has yet to be revealed.
As Hannity steams and Fox’s crack team well-coiffed robots implode desperately trying to subvert this chapter of their tyrannical war on facts, at least one this is for certain: everything Trump touches will come to an abrupt and theatrical end.